Haters gonna hate: why courageous leadership is not a popularity contest
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Have you ever received feedback from hundreds of people on your performance?
You think of the audience’s (or customer’s) needs and try to meet or exceed them.
You try to describe what your performance goals are in a way that accurately depicts what you’ll do and sets expectations in a way that doesn’t set anyone up for any kind of disappointment.
You work very hard to design the product or presentation, you prepare, and you rehearse or practice.
You try your best to deliver on the pre-established expectations and meet the established standards.
And you succeed – if measured objectively – because the vast majority of people feel satisfied with your delivery on promises and appreciate your contribution toward addressing their needs.
But…
There are always those few that are not feelin’ it.
They had different expectations and didn’t feel your work has met them.
They find a variety of faults with your work quality or approach.
They get nit-picky with things you coulda/woulda/shoulda done to be even better.
They personally attack you or get rude or cruel.
Or they give you negative feedback.
Been there?
Me too.
When you put yourself ‘out there’ by being vocal, by trying to do work that impacts a greater number of people, by taking a stance, or by being public in any way (like speaking in public, blogging, writing a book, doing a podcast, etc.), inevitably you’ll find that you can’t please EVERYone. There will be those that you attract and those that you repel. Those that you satisfy and those that you disappoint. Those that love the message or your ‘voice’, and those that hate it.
It’s natural.
“To escape criticism—do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.”
—Elbert Hubbard
But it sucks.
It stings to be criticized. I don’t like it. I’m trying to learn to have thick skin, but I’m not fully there yet.
Case in point: I just did a public webcast with 300-400 people in attendance. The client directed me to keep the content basic and aimed at a more novice facilitator.
To ensure I don't lead anyone astray or disappoint the more masterful among my colleagues, I suggested that they add the words “Foundations of” to their original “Facilitation Skills” title. It's important to set expectations properly.
And I worked hard – I spent many hours designing and developing the content and materials.
During the webcast, I tried to embody my tips and advice and to be a highly engaging facilitator. (This is actually very hard to do in the audio-only format of this webcast.)
And I focused squarely on meeting the stated learning objectives and delivering a great deal of value to the participants.
It was a great success. The organizer sent me an email saying,
“Thank you so much! Awesome job! Our partners were very pleased too. I’m copying in a note from them:”
[from the partner:] “I just signed off today’s webinar, Foundations of Facilitation Skills with Halelly. What a fantastic event. She did a tremendous job! Thank you so much for inviting us to partner with you today. We were delighted to be a part of it!
Well done to all of you!”
YAY! No two ways to interpret that – it was a slam dunk, right?!
And then I received the full list of participant evaluation feedback. The overall satisfaction with the webcast and my facilitation of it were rated highly. Most comments were extremely positive.
For example:
“[I] Was impressed by [the] webinar quality (though it makes sense considering the presenter was a learning expert). Especially appreciated the non-hyperbolic title that accurately described the content.”
And,
"I am a new facilitator so all of the information presented was extremely valuable to me. The facilitator demonstrated exactly what it looks like to be a great facilitator/trainer."
And,
"Can't think of anything [I would change]. Fast moving, lots of great content. Halelly practiced what she preached. A great example of effective facilitation."
But then there were very few more like this:
"[I suggest] A more professional and less distracted facilitator who embodies all the qualities of an effective facilitator - displaying them instead of just talking about them."
And,
"The presenter had good qualifications and techniques I didn't rate as 5 because she was a little too ""flowery,"" didn't sound totally real. "
Ouch.
Wait… Were we in the same webcast?
How can people have such opposite reactions to the same event?! How could I have simultaneously demonstrated and not demonstrated my facilitation skills?!
Has that ever happened to you? It sure stings.
So, what should we do in the face of unfair, or personal, or harsh criticism?
I put the question out to the smart people in my network, and lots of them (leaders, authors, bloggers, podcasters, business owners) chimed in. There were some definite themes among the diverse and interesting responses. For brevity, here’s just a sampling of what they said:
- “I try to reframe it: the biggest external threat to me achieving my goals is not being criticized but being ignored. Every critic is proof that you're having an impact. Success comes hand in hand with polarization: fans who love you and critics who hate you. Count your critics with pride. And definitely don't try to appease them. They can't be appeased. You can only outclass them by growing your following and providing them with ever-more value.” Don Watkins (check out his great recent podcast episode on the TalentGrow Show!)
- “Shake the world up. People will love or hate you. Who cares. You're too awesome. Consider the source, then ignore them unless you can learn something from them.” Melanie Spring
- “There are those that will never be happy with anything, or have a contrarian position on everything as well. That being said, having haters is a good sign. It's a sign that you have reached a sort of critical mass… ignore the cruel words, or especially personal attacks, and focus on the message behind the message. If there is some validity to their point, something you can do to improve, don't let it get lost in the terrible bedside manner it is being delivered. Thank them for their opinion and let them know that you will give a specific point some further thought (be specific). If you feel it's just a troll, then ignore and block them if you can. We all need as little negative energy in our lives as possible.” Randal Wark
- “As Margaret Thatcher said: "In my work, you get used to criticisms. Of course you do, because there are a lot of people trying to get you down, but I always cheer up immensely if one is particularly wounding because I think well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left. That is why my father always taught me: never worry about anyone who attacks you personally; it means their arguments carry no weight and they know it."” Daniel Wahl via Lisa VanDamme
- “Living well is the best response. The "haters" aren't really talking about you- you're just in the path of their own self-loathing.” LauraKate Astrakhan
- “Often, polarizing results means you're making an impact. Not every reaction will be positive and that's ok. Just means you're reaching people. Keep on super-serving your primary listeners. Don't give too much attention to the haters.” Stacey Simms
- “The only people I worry about are the indifferent ones...” Liz McLellan
- “I love the quote about "you are never as good or as bad as they say." And if you know what you are doing is helping others, just write the haters off as folks who are frustrated with their own lives and projecting it on to you (a common psychological defense mechanism). Don't let it bring down your day!” Laura Petersen Shepard
- "There is this GREAT podcast episode about this that is a bit contrary to other philosophies on this... but it made me stop and think AND really look at customer service in a whole new way. AND - there are a few different types of haters, and how you deal with it (emotionally and otherwise) depends on that... Highly recommended listen: http://theartofcharm.com/.../jay-baer-hug-your-haters.../." Lola Archer Pickett
[Check out Jay Baer’s book, Hug Your Haters]
[See all the diverse comments at the bottom of this post, in the scrollable text box.]
To sum up:
Focus on the big picture and the final results. Don’t get buried in the weeds and allow a couple of ‘haters’ to pull you down.
Try to find nuggets of insight you can learn from the criticism. Delete the cruel part and consider the source, and look for ways to learn and improve if possible.
Come to terms with the fact that you can’t be all things to all people, you can’t expect (nor try) to please everyone.
Ignore personal attacks or see them as a sign that your content is so solid that they must revert to attacking you, or that they have personal issues and it’s not at all about you.
Reframe it: having haters means you’re doing something meaningful, something critical, something important. Keep it up!
Contrarian suggestion: Respond. Especially if the negative feedback is public, consider giving it some kind of response, even just an acknowledgement that you appreciate their time and input or that you are sorry it didn't work out this time. Or, as Jay Baer suggests, 'hug your haters' and flip them into raving fans!
As Winston Churchill supposedly said,
“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." - Winston Churchill
@@ Courageous leadership means holding steadfast to your convictions in the face of haters. @@ [ Oooh - that's a tweetable! Click HERE to tweet (or edit and tweet) now!]
Bottom line: haters gonna hate. Move on.
My message to you (and to myself): Be yourself, work hard, do your best. And don’t try to please everyone. Just try to please your intended audience and meet your stated objectives, and satisfy your target.
[But what does Kobe Bryant have to do with this? Well, have you seen this great Nike commercial featuring Kobe Bryant conducting a symphony of his haters? I love it. Hat tip to my friend Michal for sharing it with me. It fits!]
Your turn:
What do you think? Have you ever faced harsh criticism that was painful? Were you able to stay above it and put it in perspective? What advice would you share to help us all deal with these kinds of situations? Share in the comments below, and let’s get a conversation going!
Thanks to all my colleagues who chimed in! Here are all the responses I received (as of publication date):
“I try to reframe it: the biggest external threat to me achieving my goals is not being criticized but being ignored. Every critic is proof that you're having an impact. Success comes hand in hand with polarization: fans who love you and critics who hate you. Count your critics with pride. And definitely don't try to appease them. They can't be appeased. You can only outclass them by growing your following and providing them with ever-more value.” Don Watkins
“Shake the world up. People will love or hate you. Who cares. You're too awesome. Consider the source, then ignore them unless you can learn something from them.” ~Melanie Spring
“There are those that will never be happy with anything, or have a contrarian position on everything as well. That being said, having haters is a good sign. It's a sign that you have reached a sort of critical mass (I guess we should highlight the word critical in both an amount and state of mind). The key for me is to ignore the cruel words, or especially personal attacks, and focus on the message behind the message. If there is some validity to their point, something you can do to improve, don't let it get lost in the terrible bedside manner it is being delivered. Thank them for their opinion and let them know that you will give a specific point some further thought (be specific). If you feel it's just a troll, then ignore and block them if you can. We all need as little negative energy in our lives as possible.” ~Randal Wark (IT Revolution)
“As Margaret Thatcher said: "In my work, you get used to criticisms. Of course you do, because there are a lot of people trying to get you down, but I always cheer up immensely if one is particularly wounding because I think well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left. That is why my father always taught me: never worry about anyone who attacks you personally; it means their arguments carry no weight and they know it."” ~Daniel Wahl via Lisa VanDamme
“Depends on context. Of what I can say w/o seeing any details: Sometimes, I judo flip their comment by complimenting them or praising what they said. Other times I ignore (or delete) if it's asinine and not good information. I took it hard when first starting off. Now I let them roll off my back. But I realize that's just me.” ~Jason Quey
"Although the I'm not always successful at this, I look for what their issue is. From the perspective that it isn't my issue but something I've said or done has poked a wound." Dinah Watson
“I wrote a blog post about this exact topic. You can find it here: https://flippedlifestyle.com/dealing-with-haters/ “ ~Jocelyn Sams
"The best revenge is to live well." Veronica Acker
“Although I want everybody to like me, I know that's simply not possible. I try to look for the nugget of truth in any
criticism, no matter where it comes from, but I also have to be comfortable with the fact that the people who don't like what I'm doing (or how I'm doing it) aren't my audience. Nobody is for everybody. If you get my drift.” ~Laura McClellan
"You may want to watch this: Haters Gonna Hate: How to Deal with Haters (Read their Reviews) [Katie made a video of herself reading bad reviews of her book]. Also, haters hating are doing it from THEIR perspective and it has nothing to do with YOU.” ~Katie Davis
“Turn on your stereo super loud and dance around the house to Taylor Swift...I might not be kidding. If that doesn't work pull your attention to those who don't hate - to those who love. Ask yourself about the source of their criticism - is it coming from someone you respect? Is there any truth to it? THEN - take from them what you need and then forget about them and don't get sucked in. It's hard I know - but at your core, you know people who are haters likely hate themselves the most. Hang in there!” ~Tina Nole
“Living well is the best response. The "haters" aren't really talking about you- you're just in the path of their own self-loathing. Say a sincere prayer for them and move on.” ~LauraKate Astrakhan
“Often, polarizing results means you're making an impact. Not every reaction will be positive and that's ok. Just means you're reaching people. Keep on super-serving your primary listeners. Don't give too much attention to the haters.” ~Stacey Simms
“The only people I worry about are the indifferent ones...” ~Liz McLellan
“In most cases I get the impression that they are people not making anything themselves, so complaining at me is their creative outlet substitute.” ~Helen Austwick Zaltzman
“I love the quote about "you are never as good or as bad as they say." And if you know what you are doing is helping others, just write the haters off as folks who are frustrated with their own lives and projecting it on to you (a common psychological defense mechanism). Don't let it bring down your day!” ~Laura Petersen Shepard
“Be like water off a ducks back and move on as quickly as possible. I usually exit with a smile as I'm so damn grateful for not being them.” ~Susan Hasty
“There is this GREAT podcast episode about this that is a bit contrary to other philosophies on this... but it made me stop and think AND really look at customer service in a whole new way. AND - there are a few different types of haters, and how you deal with it (emotionally and otherwise) depends on that... Highly recommended listen: http://theartofcharm.com/.../jay-baer-hug-your-haters.../” Lola Archer Pickett
“I remember when I started in radio... The first time the station manager got a complaint about me from a listener, champagne corks started popping. Haters are typically your most engaged listeners and if you have no haters...you might be boring. Here is an episode of my podcast with listeners letters. at the 16:00 mark I read some hate mail. I got huge support from my other listeners. It really rallied my audience. http://www.experience50.com/podcast/listeners-letters/” Mary Keyes Rogers
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